Why Doesn't Jack Bauer Ever Go To The Bathroom?

I don't think I've ever heard any TV-related question asked more often than a certain one regarding Keifer Sutherland's character on FOX's hit show 24. The question, of course, is "Why doesn't Jack Bauer ever go to the bathroom?"

This question is now popping up on shows such as Family Guy and Real Time with Bill Maher. I find it comes up often in my everyday conversation, even though I'm never the one to initiate it. Somehow it has attained the status of being the great unanswerable question of the universe.

Seriously?

While I don't quite understand the world's fascination with Jack Bauer's bladder control, I'm happy to spend a minute thinking about it.

24 is currently in its sixth season, which means that for the sixth time in roughly nine years in the storyline, Jack is spending a 24-hour period fighting an evil terrorist mastermind in 24 real-time episodes, each one corresponding to an hour of that same day. Many people would have us believe that Jack has never gone to the bathroom once during that nine-year span, or at least during any of those six days.

But first of all, how do we know he doesn't ever go to the bathroom? He's not on the screen constantly. Does someone have access to all the bathroom logs in CTU, as well as the greater Los Angeles area and the covert Chinese prison in which he was held for 20 months? If not, then how do we know he isn't relieving himself every time the camera is on someone else, or when we go to commercial (as the clock keeps on ticking during this time), or during the long gaps between seasons?

Futhermore, how often should he need to go, considering how much he drinks? Off the top of my head, I recall him drinking a soda with Chase Edmunds near the end of season three, when they were waiting for authorities to take pictures of all the subway passengers and upload them to CTU so the captured and cooperating Stephen Saunders could identify Arthur Rabens, the sole remaining courier of the virus. (Incidentally, Saunders was seen drinking bottled water earlier in the day, but was not seen going to the bathroom.)

In the beginning of season five, Jack is enjoying his life in the witness protection program, and is about to have breakfast with Diane Huxley and her son Derek. Derek drinks orange juice from the carton, his mom asks him to use a glass and Jack procures one, but Derek continues to drink from the carton. I don't remember if Jack actually consumed any orange juice or any other beverage before Chloe O'Brian broke protocol to call him with a warning that the people who assassinated former President David Palmer were also after the remaining people who knew Jack was still alive.

If you're going to ask why Jack never goes to the bathroom, why not ask why he never eats or sleeps? OK, he did doze off briefly in season one at a less than ideal time. With it being the first season, the writers probably wanted to remind us that the entire season was all happening in one day, and that Jack would be tired to go through a 24-hour ordeal starting at midnight, when he would already be tired anyway. But overall, he seems remarkably alert, all things considered. He caught a few minutes of sleep in season two when his heart stopped under torture, but we can hardly hold that against him.

And why all the focus on Jack Bauer? How often did we see Jack Tripper of Three's Company go to the bathroom? I mean, considering that most of the show took place in their apartment and the bathroom was right there, I don't recall Jack, Janet, Chrissy, Cindy, or Terri using it all that much. How often do we see Jack Shephard of Lost going? With everyone having crash-landed on a somewhat deserted island, you'd think there would be some focus on coming up with a system for a makeshift bathroom, at least until they discovered the toilet in the hatch.

But here's the thing: do we really want to see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom? Do we really need him to take a break from tracking down the weapons of mass destruction that are always ready to wreak havoc on our nation, just so we can see a more human side of him? Maybe the people who do will get their wish in the series finale. I can see it now—Jack Bauer saves the world by killing the ultimate bad guy, then pees for 59 minutes.