Pathetic Clown Krusty

Herschel Shmoikel Pinkus Yerucham Krustofsky, better known as Krusty the Clown, has been well-known on The Simpsons since 1990. But what is he known as? Would you call him a pathetic clown?

In the episode "Insane Clown Poppy," Krusty discovers that he has a daughter Sophie (voiced by Drew Barrymore). She never knew who her dad was, only that her mom said he was a pathetic clown. Sophie typed "pathetic clown" into a search engine, and Krusty's name came right up.

Is it fair to think of Krusty as the world's most pathetic clown? Let's look at some of the pathetic things he's done:

• Lost Sophie's treasured violin to Fat Tony in a poker game without her knowledge.
• Tackled Sophie's mom to prevent her from firing a rocket launcher at Saddam Hussein, because Saddam is half his act.
• Says he got where he is by "naming names in the 50s."
• Got banned from TV for ten years for saying "pants" on the air in the 50s.
• Got set back another twenty two years because he couldn't open his shutters on Laugh-In.
• Performed several times while stoned.
• Paid $10,000 to George Carlin and Steve Martin for stealing their material.
• Had his own brand of pork products, despite being Jewish.
• Abused Sideshow Bob countless times.
• Has been addicted to gambling, cigarettes, alcohol, Pepto, Xanax, and Percodan.
• Drank gasoline once.
• Owns a pool but doesn't like swimming, so he uses it to throw away his shrimp shells.
• Got busted by the IRS for tax evasion, and subsequently went bankrupt.
• Changed his identity to Rory B. Bellows and staged his death to claim the insurance money.
• Lit cigarettes with $100 bills, pearl necklaces, and the first Superman comic.
• Ate a condor's egg right in front of her.
• Told his assistant "My house is dirty. Buy me a clean one."
• Took all the money he made by franchising his name and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters.
• The Krusty home pregnancy test may cause birth defects.
• Krusty's brand of gum contains spider eggs (which he knew about) and hantavirus (which he didn't).
• Krusty Kologne may cause severe chemical burns.
• Krusty's brand of cereal contained jagged metal Krusty-Os and flesh-eating bacteria.
• One of his balloons exploded and took out the eyes of every kid in the room.
• Has been accused of sexual harrassment by many women.
• His theme park has been called a death trap.
• He illegally sold Tanya Harding's honeymoon video.
• At Kamp Krusty, he never showed up as promised, and the kids were forced into slave labor.
• Recorded a commerical for the Ribwich, saying "Mmm, I don't mind the taste!"
• After the cameras stopped rolling on the Krusty Burger commerical, he said "Aaaaaagh! I almost swallowed some of the juice!"
• Got Bart to sign Krusty photos instead of signing them personally.
• Didn't notice that Krusty Komedy Klassic was abbreviated as KKK.
• Said to Bill Clinton, "I campaigned for the other guy, but I voted for you!"
• Covered his entire body with nicotine patches.
• After his 1984 Olympic Games promotion went awry, he said "I will personally spit into every fiftieth burger!"
• Built a Krusty Burger restaurant on an unmanned off-shore oil rig.
• His Canyonaro truck was ruled unsafe for highway or city driving, and the commercial said "unexplained fires are a matter for the courts."
• Used a pre-recorded testimonial saying "I heartily endorse this event or product."
• Claimed that every time someone watched his show, he'd send them $40 (with the announcer then saying "checks will not be honored").
• Pledged over a million dollars to start Krusty's Care Center, and three years later had not given a dime.

But wait! He's done some things that were very commendable:

• Got Sophie's violin back from the Mob.
• Courageously decided not to follow in his father's footsteps, but to become a clown because he wanted to make people laugh.
• Reconciled with his father after being disowned for not becoming a Rabbi.
• Supports child literacy, despite being illiterate himself.
• Had multiple comebacks after being cancelled, instead of giving up.
• Apologized to Sideshow Bob in what he thought would be his last show.
• Made up for the Kamp Krusty disaster by taking the kids to "the happiest place on earth: Tijuana."

But the main thing is that in spite of all the crummy things he's done, millions of kids love him and look up to him. How can we call him pathetic in light of that? I'll always say "send in that clown!"